Less Small Talk, More Rich Talk
What Psychological Richness (and a Bug From Venezuela) Teach Us About Social Burnout
Twenty years ago, I spent a summer in Venezuela watching bugs crawl up the inside of a test tube. It wasn’t always the most fun experience, or even the most meaningful to me. We published a paper on the findings and I admire the brilliant researchers who led the project. But I quickly realized my deeper passion was for human psychology. And yet, I woke up every day feeling energized. It was one of the most memorable experiences of my life, and one for which I’m endlessly grateful.
In his new book Life in Three Dimensions, psychologist Shigehiro Oishi gives a name to what made those days in Venezuela so memorable – an ingredient of the good life he calls psychological richness.
Richness is about pursuing lots of novel experiences. Ones that pique your curiosity, change your perspective, and make a great story around the dinner table.
Through the lens of social burnout, the pursuit of psychological richness can seem a little…exhausting. But social sustainability isn’t just about doing less, or making things easier. It’s also about finding your pull – identifying the activities that energize you, and bringing more of them into your life.
Reflecting on what practical tips we can gain from linking psychological richness to social sustainability, three stand out:
1. Use rich talk to energize your conversations. Small talk can be draining. Idle chatter about the weather or the traffic is meant to be friendly, but the drudgery can weigh us down. So what’s the alternative? Some suggest “big talk”, but that can be draining too. When I meet a new parent at school drop-off for my child, I’m rarely inclined to lead with “If you were to die tomorrow, what’s the one lesson you’d want to leave for your seven year old?”
Rich talk offers an energizing alternative: questions that are novel and engaging but not too probing. A simple one I’ve been trying out is to ask people about their most interesting summer experience, instead of simply asking “so how was it?” It brings in just enough curiosity to make the conversation uplifting.
2. Stop “catching up”. A favorite study described in Shigehiro Oishi’s book asked married and dating couples to run a silly obstacle course, and found that couples who completed the course rated their relationship more favorably than couples in a control condition.
In adulthood, the idea of “catching up” can feel like a chore. The lack of pull relegates hanging out to an item on a to-do list. Low-effort infusions of novelty can energize relationships – even if it simply means walking around a different neighborhood with your kids or meeting your friend at the chain restaurant you haven’t been to in ten years.
3. Be a bit more open with your struggles. Life in Three Dimensions encourages us to be open to life’s struggles. Richness often comes with challenges along the way, like a backpacking trip through the woods, with its share of bug bites and exhaustion.
In the same way that psychological richness pushes against the pressures of endless positivity, an energizing social life also requires us to release the positivity pressure – to lend and seek support when needed. For years, I felt like the only acceptable response to “how’s work” with my non-work friends was “all good!” Now, I try to be a bit more honest, and find a much deeper appreciation for my friendships and the support they provide.
Social sustainability is, in part, about embracing less. But it’s also about seeking richer connections that pull us in, whether in the form of richer small talk, curiosity-feeding adventures, or a little more openness to sharing our struggles. And if all else fails, you can always fly to Venezuela to study some biting bugs.